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Offensive Book
Thursday 25th April 2013
I saw this book in an LA airport shop on my way home, and all I could think was: 'if ever there is a book that can just fuck off, then surely it is this book.'
I know our society is meant to be obsessed with youth culture, and afraid of ageing, and all that, but still. Come on. Twenties can't be the new benchmark of over the hill. I mean, where will it end?
Soon there will be a book out called 'Oh Shit I'm A Foetus, God I Miss Just Being An Embryo, When I Still Had My Whole Life Ahead Of Me.'
Plus, in America you can't even drink legally till you're 21, so in theory they should still be looking forward to the ageing process at that stage, rather than lamenting it. And it's certainly not worth swearing about. The youth of today are so rude.
Also because 20's is so young (sorry insane marketing department of this book). And most people are way older than that, it's quite an unseemly thing to be complaining about. Like when a millionaire bemoans how difficult they find being rich.
But basically, if you are in your twenties and you're actually worried that makes you old, there's plenty of euthanasia clinics you can go to now. Then there will be more of the worlds resources left for the rest of us, that have proper stuff to be getting on with.
Surprising Surgery Art
Wednesday 21st November 2012
I don't mean to boast, but I've been to quite a lot of Doctor Sugeries in my time. Not because I'm particularly prone to illness but because I've moved house a lot, and so had to keep re-registering.
And I've noticed that Doctor Surgeries often like to have nice, soothing pictures on their walls. I assume this is to calm nervous patients and to balance all the scary notices they also tend to have, that say things like, 'QUICK! Get a flu jab now or you might die this winter!' (I'm paraphrasing).
So my current Doctor Surgery has tried to follow this idea. People like green outdoory things, right? And people know there's doctors here, right? Well lets just combine those two things. Yeah, bring it all together.
As you can see there are doctors out and about in what could be Hampton Court Maze? Administering medical check ups to statues.
So far, so strange, but OK. I kind of get it. Bit trippy but vaguely reassuring.
I mean, I'm not sure we should trust these doctors, if they think inanimate statues need helping, but hey, maybe that's how they train now the NHS is being cut.
However, my main concern is the lady at the back of the second picture. What is she doing to that naked mans bum? There's a close up in the third picture.
Everyone else is just using innocent things, like stethoscopes and bandages, but she has a syringe in one hand, and looks like she's about to slip him the finger.
Maybe this is to subliminally prepare the patients to the idea that sometimes at doctor surgeries, embarrassing things happen, and they might have to get their bums out? I don't know. I just don't know.
Book Launch
Thursday 6th September 2012
Today was the day I have been waiting for, for what seemed like aaaaages. My debut children's book, 'My Best Friend And Other Enemies' became officially out NOW in all good book shops.
(I am quite pleased the phrasing of that means I get to be passive aggressive to any book shops that don't stock it). All the good ones do. It's their loss.
To mark the occaision Nosy Crow helped me throw a party and my Mum made some homemade pizzas.
Talking to my friend about having a book launch, we realised that our main frame of reference for such a thing comes from Bridget Jones. I was willing try to re-create this atmosphere, though had a feeling Salman Rushdie wouldn't be coming. Again, his loss.
It was a great evening and now Nosy Crow have proof that the book is suitable for 8-80 year olds!
If you want to read my book without the nuisance of having to leave your house, you can also get 'My Best Friend And Other Enemies' online from Amazon, Foyles and Watersones. And you can read the first chapter for free here.
PR Stunt
Monday 14th May 2012
My first children's book 'My Best Friend And Other Enemies' comes out in September, and soon I will face the tricky and competitive task of drumming up interest.
But luckily for me, my (real life) best friend, Kim, is a marketing genius. She has decided to let me rent out the lucrative advertising space on her only daughter - for free!
The back of the T-shirt says, 'My Best Friend And Other Enemies, by Aunty Catie, out September 6th 2012, Available to Pre-Order on Amazon now!'
So now I just need to get my little god daughter to casually walk around a few choice places, like the Blue Peter studios while they're live on air, and maybe some newspaper offices while they're writing the weekend supplements, and we're away!
If anyone thinks it's amoral to advertise on a toddler, all I can say is this: Hello? Publishing is a cut throat business. A cut throat business my friend.
My Best Friend And Other Enemies is out on 6th September and available to pre-order on Amazon now.
Spoof Magazine
Friday 27th April 2012
I have my first visual gag for my Edinburgh show. Thanks to the super Alistair Lawrence (@Spaced1999AKA on twitter).
Imagine if men were treated by the media, the same way women are. You don't have to! I've done it for you. It's this here.
Proper satire.
Now I just need another 59.30 minutes worth of empowering jokes about feminism.
It's A Sign
Monday 6th February 2012
I went up to Norfolk at the weekend to see my friends and my little god daughter who is two and a half. This is the sign on the front of their local park. And it exemplifies why I will always love Norfolk.
That is how well Norfolk keeps the sign that proclaims it's best play area. It can't even do that properly. Kind of suggests the play area didn't have that much stiff competition from the rest of Norfolk. Especially during the weirdly specific years of 1991, 1998 and 2000.
Then it
kind of dropped off the map a bit. People think showbusiness is cruel as
it forgets people so quickly, but hey, the world of parks is a cut
throat business. One minute you're the belle of the parks, the next, no
one even keeps your sign looking nice. Oh how I bet that park longs for
the halcion days of 1991, 1998 and 2000 respectively.
You might then think that this park might not be up to much, but actually it was pretty cool. It had loads of stuff, and all kinds of exciting part-slide-part-house-part-jungle-gym type contraptions, as well as the usual swings and roundabouts.
The sign just made it look like
whatever the opposite of a humble brag is. (An over the top brag which
is then forcibly humbled?)
Plant a Tree
Friday 20th January 2012
My friend Christina does a lot of work for charidee. She doesn't call it that, she is normal. But she also makes helping various good causes part of her normal, every day life. Some of it is so easy that I thought I would help spread the word.
You know how sometimes you want to
help charities but you don't want to spend money or start fannying
around with a direct debit? Well now you can. You just have to
click the below links, it doesn't cost you a penny, AND you still get
the good karma. Pretty cool eh? Just doing it once day will make a
difference.
Click here to plant another tree.
Sex Appeal
Thursday 19th January 2012
Bizarrely, the luckiest I have been this year was last Friday 13th when I performed at the Sex Appeal gig at the Bloomsbury Theatre.
This
was the first time I had ever performed at the Bloomsbury and I was
feeling extremely nervous. Not least because the rest of the line up was
incredibly intimidating, comprising of comedy heavy weights such as Al
Murray, Shappi Khorsandi, David Baddiel and more.
Walking onto
the stage to face the 500 or so people was unreal, but luckily 'Dr
Theatre' (or whatever we're calling that bit of you inside that really
doesn't want you to mess up too much when it's actually important)
kicked in, and I acted like a cool professional. If you don't count the
bit where it felt like my leg was shaking, but I don't know if it was
actually shaking, it just felt like it was.
I knew the gig would
be OK when my first mini-punchline hit, and it turned out to be one of
those beautiful, exhilarating gigs where the audience is lovely. Also,
because of the size of the venue, you get those amazing 'rolling laughs'
that you only get at the bigger venues, where you have to actually
slightly wait for the audience to stop laughing before you tell your
next joke, or they won't be able to hear it. Most fun on stage ever. At least since Edinburgh. But maybe ever.
I
don't know what the 15 year old me that loved comedy would make of
this. The scale of her ambition was reached in 2009 when I did 5 minutes
on a Thursday at The Comedy Store and took a picture of her name on the
running order. She had no idea that these theatre gigs existed. She
learnt everything from TV and hadn't even heard of the Edinburgh
Festival until she was in her 20's. How embarrassing. I'm glad I'm not
her, oh wait.
I've got off the point. The point is the gig was amazing and Brook are a great charity
who give free and confidential advice about sex to young people. One of
the reasons I love comedy is that it's a chance to talk about the
dirty, naked truth about ourselves. It's important to talk about sex,
and to have good information about it available. If you want to, I think
you can still donate if you text 'BRCK00' then 1, 5, or 10 to 70070.
Back To The Future
Monday 26th December 2011
When I was a little kid I loved Back To The Future. I luuuurrrvved it. And that is why I look so ecstatic to receive the annual of it for my tenth Birthday.
I remember this day really clearly because at the time I thought I
was awesome. (I didn't know about how dungarees aren't that awesome in
those days) I was yet to get that memo. And several other fashion based
memos come to think of it. Also, a lot of the common sense type memos
seemed to pass me by as well. But my love for all things Back To The
Future was pure.
When my boyfriend first came to my parents house and saw this picture of me, he jokingly lamented that he would never be able to make me as happy as I look in this picture.
But he decided he would like to have a good try anyway, and so for Christmas got me the Blu-ray box set. Then we decided to try to re-create the photo, because y'know, we are cool.
I still look pretty
unashamedly happy about a Back To The Future based present. But I think
my main acheivement in the intervening years is that I no longer own
dungarees.
We Did It!
Monday 10th October 2011
I ran a bloody half marathon! I can't believe it. It doesn't seem real, but it is because I am in agony. We raised loads of money for Scope and you can still donate on my Just Giving Page here.
Before we did it, I genuinely wasn't sure if I would be able to run for that long. I am not one of life's sporty achievers. Even more amazingly we did it in 2 hrs 16 minutes. I really thought it might take me 3 hours. Mile 9 onwards was Hell, but I was surprised at how euphoric I felt at the end.
My boyfriend and I ran together, keeping the same pace the whole way. We crossed the line holding hands, which was really fun and romantic, until the commentator shouted that my boyfriend had finished, disrupting our romantic moment. And then some people rushed over to take his picture, and I felt slightly in the way, even though I had just run a half Marathon, which was an amazing personal achievement.
The race itself had a lovely atmosphere, with lots of people
round the edge shouting encouragement. One of my favourite bits was when
another man raising money for Scope ran past us and shouted 'Yeah, go
team Scope!' Not being sporty or religious I have never really
experienced what it's like to be part of a team or something like that
before. I guess now I have a bit more understanding of why religious
people and sports fans sometimes turn to violence to protect their
gangs.
I wore pink ear muffs because (a) my ears get cold (I told you I'm too sensitive for sporty things) and (b) the pink ones were the cheapest ones on Amazon, and it's not like I was ever going to look shit hot running a half Marathon anyway.
My boyfriend had joked that he wouldn't be seen with me in them, and that it looked like I was in fancy dress because they were so stupid. But I didn't care, my ears were worth it. And then when people shouted encouragement from the sides, a few people shouted 'Go Ear Muffs!' And someone shouted, 'I like your ear muffs!' Admittedly someone also shouted, 'Why is she wearing ear muffs?' Which my boyfriend was quite gleeful about.
But the positive affirmation and cheers of the crowd were really lovely and did help keep us going. Again, not being sporty at all, all the peppy, 'Yeah! You can do it! Keep going!' Felt kind of alien and almost cheesy to me. I have managed to cultivate quite a negative attitude, where I feel almost scathing of such overt positivity. But you can't really be negative and expect to excel at sporty things. It's a direct clash.
I'm going to get a comedy
spotter to follow me around and go, 'yeah! Good job! You can do it!
You're doing really well! Just keep going!' You never know, it might
make all the difference.
And you can still sponsor me here. Please do. Scope are great, why not chuck them a fiver?
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